Stop 13: Do Vampires and Werewolves Have to Deal With Pests?
by Jess Haines and E. Blix
Hello there! Jess Haines here. I’m the author of the H&W Investigations series—urban fantasy novels about Shiarra Waynest, a human private investigator in an alternate, present-day New York. Somehow she keeps getting pulled into supernatural troubles way above her pay grade…
Today my
SILENT CRAVINGS co-author is here to help wrangle a few of our characters into explaining what kinds of pests vampires and werewolves have to deal with. Shiarra, the main character from the
H&W Investigations series, is here with a few of her friends to discuss it. Take it away, guys!
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Analie: Like Mothers Against Others or ticks? Because both are a problem.
Shiarra: Ew, ticks and fleas?
Royce: I do wish whoever kept booking these ridiculous interviews would give us a topic that, if not stimulating, was at least coherent.
Shiarra: Hey, I’m curious over here. You guys get fleas? Seriously?
Christoph: No, not fleas. We’re not furry 24/7 and we take showers. But ticks are a problem to anyone who runs around in the woods.
Analie: The anti-Other groups aren’t really a huge problem. They do make it a little uncomfortable for us sometimes, like when they wave signs around that say things like, “bad dog, go home.”
Christoph: Or when the really crazy ones attack you with silver. Check out this scar.
Royce: I won’t incriminate myself by giving any details about what happened the last time a hunter attacked me, but I can assure you it wasn’t pleasant.
Shiarra: Awesome. Never sleeping again, thanks.
Analie: Hey, we can’t go around murdering people willy-nilly, you know. We’re sort of trying to be accept- Christoph, put your pants on. I thought the scar was on your arm.
Christoph: No, that’s the one that crazy bitch left when she tried to exorcise the wolf-demon from within. The big one is up on my leg, near the hip. See?
Analie: Uh…yeah. That’s…
Royce: Public indecency. We’re not in the club.
Shiarra: I don’t mind.
Royce: Oh, really now?
Shiarra: Err… Actually, never mind. Clothes, dude. You’re a person, not a—well, hell. There’s no way I can finish that sentence without sounding ten kinds of wrong.
Christoph: Oh, fine.
Analie: Anyway, everyone’s got pests even if they’re not the blood-sucking type—
Christoph: Um—
Royce: That’s not—
Analie: I didn’t mean that! When I said blood-sucking I mean, like, ticks! Not, you know—‘cause I have no problem with vampires, I mean, I live with vampires, I know a lot of really nice vampires—
Christoph: Shhh, you’re trying too hard.
Shiarra: You’re turning as red as my hair. Yeesh.
Royce: It’s fine. Nothing I haven’t heard before. We’re often compared to leeches, ticks, and other blood-sucking pests.
Analie: But do you ever… you know… have to deal with ticks or anything like that?
Royce: No. Ticks and mosquitoes have no taste for vampiric flesh. Perhaps the way we metabolize the blood bears too similar a resemblance and they see us as one of their own.
Shiarra: Maybe, but no mosquito has ever charmed the pants off someone.
Royce: Well, I’ve had practice.
Analie: Am I old enough to be hearing about this?
Shiarra: Probably not. But that’s—never mind! Royce, what the hell?
Royce: Ms. Waynest, I know you have your moments of naiveté, but don’t tell me you expect that I’ve remained chaste in the few thousand years of my existence.
Shiarra: No, but I thought you had more tact than to trumpet your conquests in public, mister “Oooh, I’ve been alive for thousands of years, I know better than you.”
Christoph: Eh, you’ll forgive him the next time he charms the pants off you.
Analie: Oh. Um. I should probably do homework. Now.
Christoph: Just sayin’.
Shiarra: I… wish I could argue that.
Royce: You know I am not thoughtless when and where it counts.
Shiarra: Yeah, yeah. Rub it in.
Christoph: That’s what she said.
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